Lansdowne 8 Old Wesley 37, Ballycorus Road. 18/10/2008

Blushing Bridesmaids

Strange things happen in Sport.

How often do two teams line out on a beautiful autumnal afternoon and both of them are playing on their hallowed home turf? All dressed up and pretty, both sides waited in their finery for the man in black to join them together; "Crouch, Touch, Pause, Engage! They muttered silently to themselves, practising their vows as they waited: To have and to hold possession and territory for the next eighty minutes or until death or injury did them part.

Each party secretly hoped to score later on as was their rightful duty and they sought to quell the nervous butterflies that flittered in their bellies with anticipation of that long awaited pleasure. All that rumbled in Ross Bloomfield's belly was last nights' cocktail of Beer and Kebabs. Enda Kilcullen was still in matrimonial mode having been up till 5 at another wedding the day before. Gibney had risen at the crack of dawn to drive from Galway for the chance to show his famous footwork at the dance.

Andy Fleming fidgeted nervously with his headgear and Paul Harvey checked to see if he had missed any patches when he hurriedly shaved his long legs that morning. Satisfied, he reattached his suspenders with black insulating tape (for jumping up to catch the bouquet of course!).

Adam Kavanagh and Michael O'Sullivan had to restrain Gants from gorging himself prematurely upon the wedding feast of tea and Lincoln biscuits in the clubhouse. Chris Reid cursed the wind for undoing his special big-hair do and Peter Geoghan showed off his new slim self in a fetching figure-hugging number. The bold colours and shiny fabrics of the bridal party (reminiscent of the Kaiser on his recent visit to Zurich) were all styled and arranged by Alonso of Millan.

Black Red and Gold ribbons of our fatherland fluttered boldly on the corner-flags and from the hairdos of our luscious Lansdowne lovelies who looked forward to the action later on….

And still they waited for the man in black who was due to officiate over proceedings. He was clearly following the tradition normally reserved for the lady in white and was by now very fashionably late. Embarrassed and muttering excuses Fr. Nigel Correll (of Old Wesley parish) arrives from Wicklow. Phew.

The day was not yet spoiled!

Everyone took their rightful place and finally it began.

This extended wedding metaphor is a tribute to our two comrades who have recently been down on bended knee and will soon have to remove wedding rings before going out onto the playing field.

Forget Rugby, that my friends, is bravery!

Barely 5 minutes in and we hadn't even settled on our seats when Lansdowne were lined up on the 5yard line hungry to drive it home. Paul Harvey rose up and seized a wayward throw by Wesley's hooker and slipped through with grace and elegance for Lansdowne's try. Tommy Malone tried to slip in a conversion from a difficult angle but his drive fell short, bouncing back off the chastity belt of the crossbar.

The restart saw confusion and fumbling resulting in a penalty just outside our 22 bringing scores to 5-3.

Play was somewhat broken with neither side appearing to dominate yet. Enda strains his neck bird-watching the flocks of golden big-tits making their high-pitched mating calls from the sideline. (Such birds were always an exotic rarity in Mayo and despite the risks Enda always turns to admire them even if he winds up injured as on this occasion.)

Old Wesley may have been distracted too as they missed a penalty in the 10th minute and keen to feel the soothing touch of Orla the Physio, Mike went down injured.

A break out to the right wing, ball through the hands to the 15 and Wesley break through for their first try. An easy conversion is kicked to the right and wide. 30 yards out our lineout is deemed to be crooked and the referee says he can't have that sort of thing. Perhaps this was an odd criticism from a man who can't find his way to his home ground?

From the scrum an overlap develops on the right wing with Tommy outnumbered. He ponders how much he would normally have to pay for such 4 on 1 action as the ball is chipped above his head and we are 5 points poorer with their winger running 22 yards to score.

The conversion leaves us trailing 5 –15 and this reporter starts wondering if it is becoming like those old scoring fests he used to partake of in the Old Wesley clubhouse long ago. Our defence looked the worse for wear, just like a junior certer after 3 blue wkds and 5 fat frogs it was as stretched as a lycra boob tube and had more holes than a 15 year olds' tights. Yes this was looking slightly less glamorous than the action I witnessed on the terraces at Donnybrook back in the late 90's.

Pause for breath and back again.

A large #18 catches the restart and puts it into touch on the half way line. Tommy breaks away faster than a former Yugoslav republic and chases his kick to the corner but a bad bounce denied him a deserved try and would certainly have changed the outcome of the game.

Thomas Keys is replaced by Will Sparks who returns a kicked clearance from the lineout which is won by Lansdowne. Eoin Morris is awarded a penalty inside the 22 and Tommy Malone nonchalantly kicks over to make it 15 points to 8, bringing a glimmer of hope for Lansdowne.

A comical restart kick travels 2 yards and Gants runs into an Israeli West Bank wall of defenders. William "hand of God" Sparks clearly touches a kick from the 22 drop out, but no matter as Paul Harvey again disrupts Wesley's lineout like the dancing priest at a marathon. Eoin Gantly is caught in possession and the intercepted ball escapes to the big #18 who ships a massive hit from Nick Jones to the delighted cheers of half of the home supporters.

Yet again our lifters and jumpers cause panic in the Wesley lineout, this time it is Andy causing the disruption like a taxi man outside Leinster house. Scrum to us and the backs break away but a horrible pass bounces in the Try area like something from Tubridy Tonight and we can't bear to watch. Tommy reacts quickly and scuffs the ball into touch. We are definitely rattled and not playing to our best as halftime approaches slower than the Minister for Health. Just when we thought we were better, the insult of MRSA is added to injury with a close in penalty kick leaving us 18 – 8 in budget deficit.

Eoin Morris catches the second half restart and Lansdowne knock on, but good rucking sees the ball won back immediately. Millan is having a good debut against tough opposition, but this time he is caught in possession and Will sparks makes a crunching tackle. Mike is injured and replaced by the talisman figure of Big Kev, with souvenir dirt from previous trips to Clontarf and Dusseldorf still on his shorts..

Ross intercepts and Gants kicks a huge clearance upfield. Wesley haul down Paul Harvey in the lineout and they clear the penalty with a kick to touch. Kav shows a flash of brilliance, breaking almost 20 yards before three men are drawn in to stop him. We knock on from a bizarre reverse diagonal kick and Wesley break our line to run through an easy try. The conversion makes the numbers more one-sided and less respectable; 25 – 8 like a Gary Glitter slumber party.

Andy steals a lineout on our 5 and breaks along the line but steps into touch. Paul Harvey chases Ciaran Mandall's kick and pressure from Eoin Morris forces a knock on. The forwards get stuck in, led by the example of Geoghan and Gahan in making significant hard yards until a crack rings out and everyone grimaces at what is certainly a broken bone for Eoin Morris. Anxious minutes pass until thankfully he hobbles off urging the lovely Orla to apply physical therapy way up beyond his injured knee, hoping that she'll break her oath and give him a rub of the relic.

Thankfully her code of ethics prevailed.

Again Andy bats down their line out and Chris Reid thunders through to charge down a panicked clearance kick. Good pressure from Ronan chasing a kick and forcing a knock on, but Kav is probably still feeling the aftermath of a hospital pass he received from the scrum.

An over-commitment of numbers to the rucks saw holes appearing in our defence particularly in the absence of pillars and too many backs being drawn in. Tired legs saw defenders waiting like standing stones for Old Wesley to drive through like Martin Cullen in his ministerial Merc on the controversial M3. Scrum half sneaks alongside the ruck and pops to the outside centre for another try that is converted in turn by a kicker in excellent form.

We saw valiant play to the end by Conor in charging down a kick and by forwards in disrupting their lineout. Wesley broke through tackles and up the wing for a final try making it an ignominious final score of 37 – 8 that does not reflect the quality of this Lansdowne side.

Players were quick to shoulder the blame and defend the manager after he received a post match grilling from the media who questioned his preparations. Mark Dolan emphasised that the team was still under construction with many receiving their first caps. "Both individually and as a unit they had not played near their best". He stressed that this was their first real test and that the start of the season is the time for making mistakes, but continued commitment in training will ultimately define the team and bring success.

Other commentators cited a lack of appetite or lethargy in Lansdowne players who had been seen socialising after last weeks' triumph. The long delay at the start had undoubtedly dampened their enthusiasm. Key issues for the future would be reducing numbers committing unnecessarily to the breakdown and securing the ruck quicker. Scrum-half and out-half link-up and communication needs to audibly improve and players must play with the ferocity and commitment of the previous week and fight for each other and tackle hard. This reporter is sure that if the work-rate and numbers continue on Wednesday nights he will see much greater things from this team during the season.

Congratulations to a certain team member and his wife who are now expecting their third mini rugby player!

written by Niall O'Healaithe

match photos taken by Ed Bruce

Team

1: Chris Reid (c)2: Peter Geoghegan 3: Enda Kilcullen 4: Paul Harvey 5: Andy Fleming 6: Adam Kavanagh 7: Conor Gahan 8: Nick Jones 9: Milan Alonso 10: Eoin Gantly 11: Tomas Keys 12: Michael O'Sullivan 13: Ross Bloomfield 14: Ronan Gibney 15:Tommy Malone Subs: Ciaran Mandall, Will Sparks, Eoin Morris and Kevin McDermot.